New funny jokes and stories every week. Most jokes provided from Oak Hollow Park neighbors.
In our hectic lives, sometimes we need a distraction, hopefully we will bring a smile to your face.
Will you marry me
In a cozy mobile home park in Texas, there lived an elderly widower and a widow who had known each other for many years. One evening, they found themselves at a community dinner, seated across from each other at the
The Cost of Fishing
Two enthusiastic fishermen set off on a long-awaited fishing trip. They go all out, renting everything they could possibly need: reels, rods, wading suits, a rowboat, a car, and even a cozy cabin in the woods. The whole venture costs
Grandpa was brought home in a police car
A police car pulled up in front of Grandma Bessie’s house, and out stepped Grandpa, escorted by a policeman. The officer kindly explained, “Ma’am, your husband here told me he was lost in the park and needed help getting home.”
Don’t count on it
Early on a Saturday morning, a biker was tearing down “Thousand Oaks” in San Antonio, when a police officer pulled him over. “But officer,” the biker began, “I can explain—” “Quiet!” snapped the officer. “You’re cooling your heels in jail
Golfer in Love
Ed and Carolyn met on a singles cruise, and Ed was instantly smitten. When they found out they lived just a few miles apart, Ed couldn’t believe his luck. As soon as they were back home, he started planning dates,
Bottom Dwelling Brother
This is even funnier when you realize it’s real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling
60th Anniversary and a Bag of Money
An elderly couple, Jerry and Sally, were celebrating their 60th anniversary and found themselves in an unexpected situation. Childhood sweethearts, they had moved back to their old neighborhood after retiring and decided to take a nostalgic walk to their former
A Wish is a Wish
A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and
Show and Tell
I’ve been teaching for around fifteen years now. I have two kids of my own, but the best birth story I’ve ever heard actually happened in my own second-grade classroom a few years ago. I’ve always loved show-and-tell, so I
The Grandmother Trick
One sunny afternoon, Dolly and Ruby, two longtime friends, sat together on the front porch, sipping their coffee and chatting about their favorite topic – grandchildren. Dolly sighed, shaking her head. “You know, every year I send each of my
Holiday
Anybody interested in a ride on a “helicopter flight” for 4 people? I’m still looking for 2 more people to join my wife and me. We leave early Saturday (November 30th ) morning from San Antonio Airport and will fly
Can’t Communicate
A judge was interviewing an Alabama woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by,” she
Perfect Eyesight
Beverly is 90 years old and has been playing golf every day since she retired 25 years ago. One afternoon, she comes home looking downcast. “That’s it,” she tells her husband. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight is so poor
Which Side
I went to KFC to get the kids something to eat. They wanted the kid’s meal with the leg, so I said, “Kid’s meal with a leg” and the lady says, “which side?” Me – * complete silence as I
Fixin’ the Outhouse
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living on a farm up in the hills. One day, Pa discovered that the hole under the outhouse was full. Unsure of what to do, he went inside and told Ma about his
Feeding the Crocodile
An elderly man owned a large farm for several years and he had a large pond on the far end of his property. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and
Surrogate Father
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a “surrogate father” to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The
Don’t Mess with Seniors
A couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors’ special” was two eggs, bacon, hash browns, and toast for $2.99. “Sounds good,” the wife said, “but I don’t want the eggs.” “Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49
Four Friends Reunited
Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, are reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, “My
Just like Brian
A man stepped out to the street and flagged down a passing taxi. As he got in, the cabbie smiled and said, “Perfect timing! You’re just like Brian.” “Brian? Who’s Brian?” the passenger asked. “Brian Sullivan,” the cabbie replied. “He
Wife looking at her Husband’s phone
The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names: “The tender one.” “The amazing one.” “Lady of my dreams.” She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother. Then she called the second
A strange old lady just appears
I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn’t there, and the next day she was. She is
Trying to control the spouse
A woman went shopping and, at the checkout, opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote inside and, curious, asked, “Do you always carry your TV remote with you?” She replied, “Not always, but my husband refused
Dentures
Two old friends, Bob and Charlie, were out enjoying a round of golf on a sunny morning. As they made their way to the next hole, Bob casually mentioned, “You know, Charlie, I’ve got an appointment with Dr. T tomorrow.
Talk to Dad about that
An old farmer drove to a neighbor’s farm and knocked at the door. A boy, about 14, opened the door. The farmer asked, “Is your Dad home?” The boy replied, “No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.” The farmer
Porsche For Sale $500
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, “$500 Porsche!” The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he
Not a Baker
A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the pantry door; “Hey babe, can you check the door , it keeps getting stuck. He replies, “I’m not a carpenter.” The next day , she lets him know about the
I need a push
The doorbell was ringing at 2 a.m. and wakes a couple from a sound sleep. The husband runs downstairs, throws open the door and finds a guy standing in the pouring rain. “I need a push,” the guy says. The
Texas Technology Race
After having dug to the depth of 1000 feet last year, Scottish scientists found trace of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Dog in the Lake
I was out on the lake when I saw the brown head of a dog in the middle of the lake. I couldn’t believe it; I could barely see the shore from where I was because it started raining. Who
Cheating
Teacher knows her student cheated on his test, but how she proves it is funny. In class one day, Mrs. Thompson pulled Jimmy over to her desk after a test, and said, “Jimmy, I have a feeling you have been
Is there a problem Officer
One bright afternoon, an elderly woman named Helen was leisurely driving down the highway when she noticed flashing lights in her rearview mirror. Without a hint of worry, she calmly pulled over, and a young police officer approached her car.
Fairy Tales
Fairey Tales and more cartoon humor (click more) This Boy decided it’s time to be married A four year old boy talking to his dad: Boy: Dad, I’ve decided to get married. Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in
Old Age Humor
Growing older shifts our focus from grand ambitions to the everyday joys that surround us. We begin to appreciate the beauty in routine and the comfort of familiar rituals. It’s in these small, simple moments that we find true comfort and contentment. In
Family Tradition
Bob had heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, his grandfather and his great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they’d each walk across
Clear as Mud
A boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?” The father answers, “Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room
Courtroom exchange of the day
Attorney: Doc, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? Witness: No Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure? Witness: No Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Witness: No Attorney: So, then it is possible that the
Secrets Safe with my friends
You know you’re middle-aged when your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Your Man will Fix it
If your man said he will fix it, he will … if he don’t I know a guy …
Therapist Questions Husband
Therapist: Do you feel dominated by your wife? Wife: No, he doesn’t!
Unfortunate Tradition
Once upon a time, there was a king who decided to go fishing. Before setting off, he called the royal weather forecaster and asked for the weather prediction for the next few hours. The forecaster confidently assured the king that
Since this storm started
Since this storm started, my husband has not stopped looking through the window … If it gets any worse, I will have to let him in.
Game Warden in Hot Pursuit
One day, two hunters were coming out of the woods after a morning hunt when they saw a game warden coming right at them. One of the hunters takes off running as the game warden is in hot pursuit. The
2 Men at the Bus Stop talking
See if you can keep up with this one … One guy kept complaining about his family problems. Finally, the other man said, “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation… A few years ago, I met a
Going 22
One day a state trooper while patrolling the roads spotted a vehicle on a country road going only twenty-two miles an hour. It looked quite suspicious to him so he pulled the driver over. When the state trooper was approaching
You Could Have
A woman decided to treat herself to a luxurious stay at a nice hotel for her 70th birthday. The next morning, when she checked out, the desk clerk presented her with a bill for $250.00. She was taken aback and
You know you’re getting old when
Remember when we use to laugh at the commercial “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up?” Yeah, it’s not so funny anymore… here’s some more … you might relate to some of them, I do. You know you’re getting old
Grandpa and Grandson at HEB
Grandpa to Grandson: Go hide, I see your Teacher coming and you missed school today! Grandson to Grandpa: No, you go hide, I told her you passed away!
Unhappy Wife
My husband pissed me off, and that poor soul thinks he’s just gonna watch tv in peace in the living room. So, I downloaded the “Sony” remote app and I keep the tv turned off from the bedroom. He came
Oh God, He’s Back
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, “Look at the
Old Harry
An 84-year-old man is having a drink in Johnnie’s Bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her. After a short while,
Grandma’s Boyfriend
A 5 year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as Grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?” Grandma replied,
Alexa is listening
Alexa is studying you. The fact is that your Echo, Dot, or Show is always eavesdropping. Alexa keeps a record of what it hears every time an Echo speaker activates. It’s pretty funny when Alexa randomly speaks up out of nowhere and we have to try to
Two Men are seated on a Train
One man pulls out his phone and shows the other man a photo of his girlfriend. “Isn’t she beautiful? he asks. The second man responds, “If you think she is beautiful, you should see my wife!” “Oh? Is she gorgeous
Do You Believe
Boss: Do you believe in life after death? Employee: Certainly not! There’s no proof of it. Boss: Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your Uncle’s funeral, he came here looking for you.
Helping the CEO
I was leaving the office the other day when I found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. Listen, he said, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my
Coach Asks For Help
At one point during the game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is? “Yes, coach,” replied the boy. “Do you understand that what matters is
Oh, my God!
Bob received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you are not around. In fact,
Daughter to Dad
“Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent out my room, throw all my clothes out the window. Pawn my TV, stereo, Iphone, Ipad, and my laptop, my daughter exclaimed as she entered the living room. Please take my entire jewelry collection
What A Gift!
It was Christmas time, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her students. The florist’s son handed her a box. “I bet I know what this is,” the teacher said. “Flowers! “That’s right,” said the boy. Next, the daughter
Politician Promises
A politician running for office visits a small rural town and says to the mayor, “I want to help you. What are your needs?” “We have two basic needs”, the mayor replies. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
Back in the day
Back in my day, I went to the store with a $1 and came back with two bags of chips, one carton of milk and three boxes of chocolate. Now they have cameras!
The Maid Demands A Raise
A maid demands a raise from the lady of the house. Lady: So, what did you have in mind? Maid: I would like to have a Ferrari. Lady: Why in the world would I get you a Ferrari? Maid: I
First Date
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Anxious all night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall
Marriage Demo
A man brings his buddy home for dinner, unannounced at 7:30pm after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. Wife: My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess,
Don’t Mess With Texas
A Texas Trooper stops a Harley rider for traveling faster than the posted speed limit: He asks the old biker his name. “Fred.” He replies. “Fred what?” The Trooper asks. “Just Fred.” The old man responds. The Trooper is in
Reminiscing with Friends
After a long while, I caught up with some old friends. We all grew up in the same neighborhood. It was fun catching up. We were reminiscing past memories when Carol (his wife) told this story. A couple years ago
Daughter’s Text to Dad
Daddy, I’m coming home to get married soon so get your checkbook ready. LOL! As you know, I’ve been in Sydney, Australia. And he is in Texas. We met on a dating site, became friends on Facebook, and have had really
Fishing in China
Man on phone: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set
Hanging By My Fingers
A middle-aged businessman storms into a local bar and demands, “Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I’m so mad, I can’t even see straight.” The bartender, noticing that the man is a bit the worse for wear,
Snooze & Lose
Hope we made you smile. Keep scrolling, find more cartoons, funny jokes and funny stories. A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband chasing flies with a flyswatter. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting flies,” he replied.
Do You Know Who I Am
It happened at a New York Airport. Some of us handle stress better than others. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent for being smart
Pa go fix the outhouse
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “Pa, you need to go out and fix the outhouse!” Pa replied, “There ain’t nothing wrong with it.” Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now get out there and
Excuse my French
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” just to say a swear word. I’ll never forget my first day of school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French…
Granny Don’t Mess Around
Lawyers should never ask this Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman took the stand. The prosecuting attorney approached her
Outdoor Enthusiast
A man visited his doctor, and the doctor checked him over before commenting, “It looks like you get a fair amount of exercise.” The man replied, “Oh yeah, in fact, the other day I walked 5 miles over rugged terrain
Romantic Gesture
Hold your wife’s hand in the mall because if you let go, she’ll start shopping. It looks romantic, but it’s actually economic.
Spank Him Again
Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Mary, a 3 year old to hold the flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. And little Connor
Bus Fight
Two ladies on a bus were fighting bitterly over the last available seat. A passenger had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene, when the bus driver “with the wisdom of Solomon,” shouted to the ladies, “let the ugly one take the seat.” Both
Blind Date App
I had a blind date last night but before it, I am worried what to do if she is really unattractive. My friend Andy, told me now to worry as there is an app for just that situation. It’s called, “Mom
Failed Driver’s Test
A lady failed the written driver’s test 4 times. At the 5th attempt, she was determined to pass. But the test had the same question, “You are driving 55 mph”. On your right is a wall, on your left is
No Big Deal
An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. A police officer asked if she was ok and she smiled and said that it’s really no big deal because she carries her
Granny’s Revenge
Young couple parked in the “handicap spot” ahead of Granny. Granny got revenge. Watch this brief video. https://www.youtube.com/embed/JMojLn5HEuk Click here to return to more funny jokes and stories
Jim’s Birthday
A wife treats her hubby by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday. At the club, the doorman says, “Hi Jim, how are you?” The wife asks, “How does he know you?” Jim says, “Oh dear, I played
Elderly Couple in Church
Wife turns to husband and says, “I’ve just done a silent fart, what should I do?” Husband says, “put new batteries in your hearing aid!” After a church service on Sunday morning, my 5 year old daughter suddenly announced to
Will Make You Smile
Here’s 10 short jokes Just desserts At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?” “Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling
Tell me a 3-letter-word
Tell me a 3-letter-word that starts with GAS. When asked, I was stumped … for about 10 minutes. I kept asking myself the question, over and over until I figured out the answer. As soon as I figured it out,
Keys
After a meeting several days ago, Mary couldn’t find her keys. She gave herself a personal “TSA Pat Down.” The keys were not in her pockets. Suddenly she realized that she must have left them in the car. Frantically, she
The Rooster Contest
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to
The Naval Officer and the boy
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him
Worse than the other two
One morning at a doctor’s office a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain. The doctor examines him and asks him” OK, what happened to your back?” The patient replies “You know that I work for a local night club?
Through the bad times
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she
Some things you just can’t explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?” The farmer said, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
Still Celebrating
A man and his wife are at a high school reunion. The husband keeps staring at a gorgeous drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table, glass after glass. His wife turns to him and asks, “Do you know
Husband Starts Yelling Like A Maniac
In this story, a wife is busy preparing a meal in the kitchen when her husband comes barging in, yelling commands like a maniac. It’s only later she finds out what he was really up to. A woman is cooking
Women Bet on a Man about to Jump from a Bridge
A blonde girl and her redhead friend met in a bar after work for a drink. While they were sitting there chatting, the 6 o’clock television news came on and showed a story of a man who was threatening to
Husband Makes Fun About Her Weight
There is a saying that many husbands tend to live by and that is “happy wife, happy life.” Then again, there are also some husbands who like to push the limits and they often do so to their own detriment.
A cowboy rides his horse into a small town
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found out his horse had been stolen.
I took my girlfriend to meet my mom
Me: Hi Mom, meet my girlfriend Maria Mom: Honey, you can do better than this … Me: But I love her … Mom: I was talking to her.
New Neighbor
Continue reading: More brief funny jokes: New Income Tax Form According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines: What was your income for the year? What were your expenses? How much have you left? Send
I Yelled When My Wife Forgot Her Glasses
I know I have been lucky since I married my wife almost 30 years ago. She reminds me often. When we are younger, we seem to remember everything. By the time we hit mid-life, however, we start forgetting why we
The Plane Crashed On A Deserted Island
If there is one thing that isn’t funny, it’s a plane crash on a deserted island. Then again, it can be funny if it is part of the joke. Plane Crash An elderly couple is flying to Hawaii for a
Haunted House in 2023
Have you ever saw an old vacant house and wanted to explore it? Well, I’ll tell you a story about five boys, Tommy, Willie, George, Jimmy, and Tim, who did it. The Haunted House Tommy and his parents were moving
Marine Teaches Us How to Handle a loud Snorer
Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken. When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or
A Woman Brings a Surprise to her Husband from Italy
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring
Woman Visits Her Boyfriend’s Parents’ Home for the First Time
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family, and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman starts feeling a bit of
Letter To God
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he
Bertha Visits Her BFF From Beyond The Grave
Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day. One day Betty said, ‘Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and
Conversation at the Pearly Gates
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second. “I froze to death,” says the second. “That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.
Going to Rome
Some people just bring negative energy into your life. These are folks you should avoid whenever possible because no matter what kind of mood you’re in, their negativity will make you feel worse. Sometimes people like this can’t help themselves.
Dear Ex Wife
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been terrible. Your boss
5 Year-Olds Describe Grandparents
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people’s. A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady! Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when
Housework is Women’s Work
Well… one evening, Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished figuring something’s up. It
Forrest Gump Goes To Heaven
An Alabama man named Forrest Gump, a character with fairly low intelligence, has a heart of gold and more luck than a rabbit’s foot! In this story, Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump
Too old to have Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack
A chicken farmer went to the local bar
He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said: “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne.” “What a coincidence,” said the farmer, who added, “It is a special day for me. I am celebrating.”
The IRS Audits Gambling Grandpa
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment; Which
Flat Tire Final Exam
There were four University sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an “A” so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had
Chocolate Store Magic
Jake and Tim entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking around, Tim stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store, Tim said to Jake, “Man! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no
The 80 Year-Old Man And His Beautiful Young Bride
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got a 20 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do
A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. She explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an
Am I Adopted
Fred came home from college in tears. “Mom, am I adopted?” “No of course not,” replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?” Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. He had no match with any of
The Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake,
Three Golfers Die and Go To Heaven
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he
Locked Out
She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said,
Brother
My kid: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff. Me: Like what? My kid: Like if I don’t clean my room … a portal will open and take me to another dimension. Me: Well that’s what happened
Going to Buy Me a Ring
An older, white-haired balding man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and found
So Drunk He Can’t Stand Up
Larry’s been drinking at a bar all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures
After the Honeymoon
Will and Sally, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon. When they got back, Sally immediately phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, “How was the honeymoon, dearest?” “Oh, Ma,” she replied, “the honeymoon was
Story Of My Divorce
Why did I get divorced, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t get me a present and didn’t even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work
The Magician and the Captain’s Parrot
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot
Father Learns Daughter Can Predict The Future
A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her say her prayers, which she ended by saying “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-by grandpa.” Father said, “Why did
Divine Intervention
For a weekend break, three old college buddies go down to Tijuana, Mexico to enjoy a reunion. Well, they hadn’t seen each other for quite a few years so the stories were long, the laughs were loud and the booze
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early
Police Officer Didn’t Let Him Explain
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But, officer, “the man began, “I can explain” “Just be quiet, “snapped the officer. I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail
Woman and Man crash their cars head-on
The crash is so great, both vehicles are completely smashed, but amazingly neither driver is hurt. After getting out of their respective cars, the woman says: “But look how our cars turned out!” “And miraculously we don’t have a scratch!”
Mary And The Fortune Teller
During a recent public outing, Mary slipped off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. “There’s no easy way to say this,
Mercury is in Uranus
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, “Do you think I’ll live a long, healthy life?” She replied, “I doubt it … somehow … Mercury is in Uranus right now.” I said, “I don’t go in for any of that
My Honest Boss
My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, “Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long
Danger! Beware of Dog
A Stranger walks into a Ma and Pa store and spots a sign: “Danger! Beware of the Dog.” As he enters, he sees a harmless old dog, fast asleep in the middle of the floor. “Is that the dog we’re
Jesus’ Unexpected Appearance
When a burglar breaks into a home, they do so know that there is a possibility they’ll get caught. In the following joke, a burglar breaks into a house and gets more than he was expecting. In fact, there is
Billionaire Offers Jaw-Dropping Dare
A rich man threw a party at his mansion. It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard. “Come! I
A Texan Moves to Montana
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them,
Engineers and Accountants on a Train
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on
Woman Scorn
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The luxury home on the beach was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to
The Simple Salesman
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation, who would
A Blond and a New Boat
During late spring one year, a blond was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through the water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried. After trying to make
The Biker and the Bridge
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded up and above his head, in a booming voice, the Lord said: “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
An Old Lady Had A Small Store
An old lady had a small store in her small town for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little store. The new supermarket put up signs advertising their prices, including one
A Minister Does a Visual Demonstration
A minister decided that ɑ visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate cans. The first worms were put into ɑ container of alcohol. The second worms were put into ɑ container
A wife jumps out of her seat when she hears the weather forecast
One morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4 – 6 inches of snow today. You must park on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow
A Man’s Wife Refuses To Let Him Go
A man’s wife refuses to let him go out with the boys. There are some people in this world that enjoy going camping and others that would rather avoid it if possible. In either case, however, it isn’t always whether
Christmas Gifts for Elderly Mom
Three sons left home, went out on their own, and prospered. Many years later, getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our
A Man Applied For a Job as a Janitor
A man applied for a job as a janitor at a large corporation and was invited for a job interview. The HR manager offered him the job and asked, “Can you please give me your email address so l can
Senior Drivers No Longer Need License
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing onto his lawn against his hedges. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car. He said with excitement:
Mix-up at the Florist
Jenny, the owner of a small company, just moved out of her old office into a more luxurious one. After settling in, she decides to message her friend. “Kate,” she wrote, “I finally moved out of that dingy old office
Ferrari Driver races an old man on a Moped
A doctor goes out and buys the fastest and flashiest car he can find, a brand new Ferrari 488, costing him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a
Clever Boys
A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists. One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem. A 10 years old boy was standing
A Young Man from Texas moves to New York
He walks into a “Fish Tackle & Everything Else” department store looking for a job. He sits down, greets the manager and shakes his hand. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The young man replies, “Yes, I
Judge and Woman about a Divorce
One of the difficult things we may have to go through in life is getting a divorce. People who have never been through it may consider it to be the easy way out but anyone who has gone down that
Cars Kept Running Over A Farmer’s Chickens
Cars kept running over a farmer’s chickens until he took matters into his own hands. It doesn’t matter who we are, we are going to have problems from time to time. This includes everyone, from the CEO of a large
A Man Came Home From Work
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers scattered all around the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open,
Neighbors
There’s a little old Christian lady that lived next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out of her front door and shouts “Praise the Lord!” The atheist yells back, “There’s no God.” She does this every morning
An Old Man Lay Sprawled Across 3 Seats
An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The old man didn’t
Lawyer vs Cop
An egotistic lawyer runs a Stop sign and gets pulled over by an elderly San Antonio policeman. The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a Hot Shot Lawyer from Dallas and is better educated,
Super Bowl Tickets
I know it’s late notice but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl at State Farm Stadium in Glendale, Arizona. They are box seats and he paid $3,500 per ticket, which includes the ride to and
A Defendant was on Trial for Murder
There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise
An Old Man Was Sitting on a Park Bench Crying
A policeman noticed him and asked him why he was crying. He said: “I have a 25 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit
Cowboy Boots
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still
When God Gives You a Cat
A man sends a kitten sailing only to realize he just answered a prayer in the process. Although people love their pets, regardless of what type of animal it is, it just seems as if those who have cats in
Woman Stands Before a Judge
Woman was before a Judge for assaulting a nurse. We all know that harming people is not okay unless you have to defend yourself or others. However, there are those occasions when, while violence is not absolutely justified, it’s perfectly
Frustrated Border Agent
A frustrated border agent can’t figure out what this man is smuggling. Sometimes we can become so focused on one little detail that we miss the bigger picture. This can be a real issue for folks working in law enforcement,
Karen Called the Cops
Police are called on boy selling ‘Ice Cold Beer’ but his clever sign has them chuckling. 11-year-old Seth had neighbors calling the cops on him when they spotted his “Ice Cold Beer” sign. Really though, his idea was pretty genius.
The Preacher Lies
A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.” The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
Elderly Couple and the Car Salesman
An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blond. “I thought you would hold the car until we raised the $75,000 asking
Woman Opens The Door To A Stranger
On the day the “proxy father” was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.” Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to
Texas Chili Cook-off
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Where Did You Get That Truck
A 16-year-old boy came home with a new Truck. And his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did this truck come from?” He calmly told them, “I bought it today”. With what money? His parents asked. They knew what
Naughty Little Boy
A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and the little boy whispers, “Hello.” Lawyer: “Is your mommy there?” Boy: (whispers) “Yes.” Lawyer: “Can I speak to her?” Boy: (whispers) “She’s very busy.” Lawyer: “Is your daddy
Little Girl Starts Talking to a Construction Crew
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew showed up to start building a house in the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
Ultimatum from Girlfriend – The Dog or Me!
He had to make one of the hardest or perhaps the easiest decisions in his life A neighbor shared this story with me. I wonder what choice you would have made. His girlfriend that gave him an ultimatum, get rid
Bully Big John
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along his route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally
A Blond Couldn’t Drive Her Car During The Night
She called her car customer service saying she could drive her car during the day, and during the night, the car doesn’t move at all. The car service sent out a mechanic to inspect the car and he couldn’t find
Woman Leaves Instructions for Repairman
but the Repairman Decides Not To Listen Laura’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next morning, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave a key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher,
Blonde Paints a Porch
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the
Bull Bragging
My wife and I went to the auction in Austin, Texas the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached
Winter in Minnesota
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the window. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, “Hi, my name is
Some Cops Don’t Care About Retired People
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went to browse inside an antique store. I was only in there for about ten minutes
It Don’t Look So Good
A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a really beautiful horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse. The poor man replied,
The Perfect Couple
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road
An Axe to Grind
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year. Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, “I don’t want to pay for it.” But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son’s
Christmas Fireman
In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing fireman’s helmets. I couldn’t figure out why, so
Older and Wiser
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of the of the older workmen. After several minutes, one older worker
Arthur the Golfer
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s playing golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that
Blond in a Snowstorm
Love my blonde friends, but I thought this was funny enough to share: She was lost. She felt unsafe to continue driving but she didn’t panic. She remembered what her dad had once told her, “If you ever get stuck
Potato Field Uncovered
An old Farmer in Idaho writes to his son who is in prison: “Dear Son, this year I won’t be able to plant potatoes because I can’t dig the field myself, I know if you was here, you would have
A Man Was Sitting In A Private Box
An older man was sitting in a private box by himself at Cowboy’s Stadium with an empty seat next to him: A young man saw the empty seat and said to the older man. “Who on earth paid for these
The Travel Agent that felt Generous
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the many posters showing glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had been having a pretty good
Accidental Email
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realizing he sent the email message to a
Harry’s Relationship with God
A 72 year old man goes in for a physical examination. All his tests came back normal so the doctor says, “Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God? Harry replies,
I’m No Longer a Virgin
A little girl told her parents The family was at the dining table. The little 10-year-old girl wasn’t eating and had her head bowed down with nose in her plate. After a few moments, she said, “I’ve got something to
A Woman Went Shopping
At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He could not control his curiosity and asked, “Do you always carry your TV remote with you?” She replied ” No,
The Funeral that changed my Life
When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone I did not know. When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass. Then
Dirty Laundry
A couple moved into an older neighborhood. They had a washing machine, but no inside clothes dryer. The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the woman saw her neighbor hanging her washing outside. “That laundry is not very clean,”
25 Years of Marriage
A married couple never fought, not even once in 25 years of marriage. A friend of the couple asked, “How is it that even possible?” The husband replied, “Well , we went to a Ranch for our honeymoon. While horseback
Don’t Honk at Older People
I know I should not have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was
Goodbye Mom
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him entering the checkout line. She turned to him and said,
Waiting for the Bus
A woman has a problem with her wardrobe closet in the bedroom. Every time a bus passes the house, a door of the wardrobe closet would fall off. She called a repairman to try to fix the problem. The repairman
Where is Jesus
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus, so she asks her class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven..” Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”
Nearly Died from Shame
Annie, 6 years old gets home from school. She had her first family planning lesson at school. Her mother, very interested, asks; “How did it go?” “I nearly died from shame!” She answers. “Why?” Her Mother asked. Annie said, “Kate
Blond Complaint
A blond woman visited with her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He is exhausted!” The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps
Titanic is going to sink
My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. And from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but nobody listened to him. He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned
The Oak Hollow Haunted House
There was an abandoned two story home sitting in the middle of a neighborhood called “Oak Hollow.” Nobody would go near the house. And I mean nobody, especially at night! Sometimes at night neighbors could hear noises coming from the
Get the Quarter Back
A guy took his girlfriend to her first American football game. They had great seats near their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “Especially the tight
The Least I could do
One day, two guys Frank and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they’re fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and waves. He does this until the funeral service passes by. Frank then said,
Heart of the Ocean necklace
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with a “Heart of the Ocean necklace, diamond earrings, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.” “But you are not wearing any of
The Christian Horse
A Christian guy named Bill saw an ad posted online about a Christian horse. So, he went to check it out. The horse’s owner said, “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘Praise the Lord!’ to make him go and
Unexpected Attention
Lauren was lying in bed one night when she felt her husband’s hand caressing her neck. Then his hand slid down her side, stopping at her knee, which is as far as her he could reach. Then he moved closer
Google Pizza – Funny But Scary
A man calls Pizza Hut to order a pizza. Caller: Is this Pizza Hut? Google: No sir, it’s Google Pizza. Caller: I must have called the wrong number, sorry. Google: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month. Caller: Ok,
The Atheist and the Cowboy
An atheist was seated next to a older cowboy on an airplane and he turned to the cowboy and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The old
Clever Mary Ann
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting home bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She
JOHNNY’S BAPTISM
Little Johnny’s mother stops to watch her son read the Bible to their cat. “isn’t that sweet?” she says. But a hour later, she hears a terrible racket. Running out the door , she finds Johnny stuffing the cat into
Senior Aerobics Class
An elderly lady was telling her friend that she had recently joined an aerobics class for seniors at the local fitness center. “How did it go?” asked the friend. “Well, I bent, I twisted, I turned, I jumped up and
Nine Months Later
One weekend Joe was enticed to go skiing with an old acquaintance, Bob. They loaded up Bob’s truck and headed into the mountains. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard as they approached the
If Grandpa Joe Could Hear Us
Oh, he can … An elderly gentleman who had had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100 percent. The elderly gentleman
The Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way? she demands. “What does hair color
Your Horse Called
Whack! Right in the head with a frying pan! “What’s that for?” the husband shouts. “That, his wife says, “was for the piece of paper I found – with the name Laurie Sue on it.” “But, dear,” he says, “that
Oops!
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found an elderly man already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet – who insisted he didn’t need
Counting Nuts
Just outside the San Antonio city limits, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
The Hitch Hiker
Bill Taylor, a University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and during a storm. It was getting darker and no cars were driving by. The storm was so strong he could
Three Bikers
Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast. One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The
Lipstick Stains
In an all-girls high school, there was a clever janitor. One day, he was quietly doing one of his jobs, cleaning the bathroom, when he noticed a bunch of kiss marks on the mirrors. He got angry at the sight
The Magical Elevator
A 12 year old boy and his father are new to the Western World and entered a mall for the first time. The boy was amazed by everything he saw, but especially by 2 silver doors that move apart and then
Dog Wandered Over
An older, tired looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few
Passengers Were Shocked
When the Pilot shouted “OMG” on the intercom After a Delta Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain welcome to flight 293 non-stop from Los Angeles to Dallas, the weather
Not Guilty
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
A young teen driving a brand new Porsche
He was looking for a parking space He sees a spot near the front of the store, but another car is waiting to pull into it. The young teen decides he will pull into it first since he has a
Perfect Parking
Email to Husband To my darling husband, I just wanted to let you know before you return from your overseas trip I had a small accident with the truck in the garage when I was coming back from Target. Luckily
Bumper Sticker
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Granddaughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker. I was feeling
Try it with the Engine Running
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a car when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when
Motorcyclist Trifecta
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding
No Bark Collar Test Goes Wrong
“Omg…. The neighbors have been complaining that my dog barks non-stop” I hate the idea of an electric zapping bark collar for my dog, so I decided to purchase a “humane citronella collar”. When a dog barks, it shoots a
Woman Decides To Test Her Husband’s Love
Then this Happened! Not too long ago, there was a woman who felt that her husband was being distant and unloving. She wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.
The Cure
A woman went to her doctor’s office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and
Father of one of my kids
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So, he says, “Do you know me?” To which she
She Appears Out Of Nowhere
Sometimes I lose my wife when we are shopping together. She wanders off … But I know (after so many years) how to find her. When I don’t see my wife, I search for the most beautiful woman that I
Thinking After Life
Two very elderly women were sitting side-by-side on a couch when one said to the other, “We are getting so old that all our friends in Heaven are going to think we didn’t make it.”
Misunderstanding
An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says, “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a
The Mosquito
I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. “This is the 21st century,” she said. “I don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.” I can tell you this. That mosquito
OUT SHOPPING
This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida: An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her
A Woman Awakes During The Night
She notices her husband is not in bed She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears
ALBERT
An old man was grocery shopping with his grandson. The toddler was crying, and at times, screaming at the top of his lungs. As the old gentleman walked up and down the aisles, people could hear him speaking in a
PERFECT MARRIAGE
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in
WALMART ONE DAY WONDER
Can you believe I lasted less than a day as a retail store greeter A few hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman came into the store with her two children, yelling at
Credit for the Family Barbecue
Barbequing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. Here is the sequence leading up to the big production: The wife goes to the store and buys everything. The wife makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. The
Looking for Love
From personals: Single White Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a svelte good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, and cozy winter nights
United Way
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly
Could Be Worse
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition,
Home Again
Our 25-year-old son moved back home with an eye toward socking away a “down payment” to buy a condo. We never bothered asking how long he’d planned to stay. But I got a pretty good idea when I walked into
Florist Typo
I’m not the easiest guy in the world to get along with So, when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 27 years. I ordered flowers and
The Compromise
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought a boat anyway. “I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?” Being a good sport,
Military Humor – Weekend Pass
Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason. “My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her,” I told the CO. Much to my surprise, he said “Permission
A New York Divorce Lawyer Died
He arrived at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Insurance Policy
Some local teenagers had set fire to a farmer’s haystack which then spread to his barn. While the farmer surveyed the wreckage, his wife ‘phoned their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $60,000 the amount of
Foolish Marriage
After a lengthy quarrel, Mandy said to her husband, Dave, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ Dave replied quickly, ‘Yes, Mandy, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.’
Good Thinking
One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day.
Bury Me with ALL My Money
This Is What the Wife Did There was a man who worked all his life and saved all his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about everything, and
Housewife Woes
The overwhelmed housewife grabbed the phone when it rang. The kindly voice asked, “How are you doing darling?” “What kind of day are you having?” “Oh, mother, “said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, “I’ve had such a bad day.
Lawyer Won’t Leave This Woman Alone
What She Does is Genius A woman and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asked if she would like to play a fun game. The woman, tired, just wanted
Congratulations on your new home
A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said, “Rest in Peace”. The owner was angry and confronted the florist
Sorry, I could not help it
There was a little “incident” at your house today while you were gone Please allow me to explain, I was watching T.V. and I heard this beeping going off in the kitchen. The first thing I thought of was the
Glad It’s Not Me
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little
The Art Collector
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display. “I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied. ” The good news is that a
Blonde Jockey
A blonde lady decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but
God is Watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the top of the table, with a large tray of apples. A nun put a sign above the apple tray: “Take only one. God
Grandson – We don’t need no map
My teenage daughter just spent the last 6 weeks on vacation in California. My daughter asked my 5 year old grandson if he knew where he lived. He promptly recited his home address. My daughter told him, we can get
Will I live to 80
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhausted lab tests, she said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking her “Do you think I’ll
Middle Wife
Story told by the Teacher I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best “birth” story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
This woman has the most generous husband ever
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on the bench rang and a man answered it and put the speaker. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen. Man: “Hello!” Woman: “Hi honey,
Helicopter Ride
Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know
Student Says He is Too Smart For First Grade
This is the Principal’s Response A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was and he replied, “I’m too smart for the first grade, my sister is in
Driving Test
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his Dad if he could start using the family car. The Dad said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to
Cheap Parking
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. “Well, then, here are the
Mom Suspects Her Son is Sleeping with his Roommate
A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During the meal, his mother could not help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the
Parents Tell Their Kids They’re Getting Divorced
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what
Grammar Gripes
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get eight.” A short time later, the husband returns with eight cartons of milk. “Why did you
When I was a kid
If you are 40, or older, you Might think this is hilarious! If you are a teenager, maybe not so much. When I was a kid, adults use to bore me to tears with their tales about how hard things
This is a true story by George!
About George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people
The Goat is Gone
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They
Show ‘em Your Card
A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.” The old farmer said, “OK, but don’t go in that
Saying Goodbye to Mother
You don’t have to own a cat to appreciate this one! We were packed and ready to go out for our Spring Break vacation. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and
Relationships
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on
How Were People Born
A child asked her mother “How were people born?” So, her mother said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to her father, asked him the same question
Cold Water
A young man went to visit his 70 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of Arkansas. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance
Business is Fishing
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and
About Time
A few weeks? after the death of my father-in-law, I found my seven-year-old son crying. His grandmother had died the previous year, and he was taking it all very hard. “You know, Kyle,” I said, “when we die, we’ll get
Blonde Problem
Captain, There’s a Blonde Haired Problem in 1st-Class! A beautiful young model boarded a plane to California with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the
Wife from Hell
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not
The Mobster
A mobster discovers his deaf accountant has cheated him out of ten million bucks. He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. “Ask him where the money is,” the mobster says. The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, “What
Embarrassed
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old? Well, You’ll love this one! My name is Alice and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment
Six Again
She wanted to be six again A man asked his wife what she’d like for her 40th birthday. “I’d love to be six again,” she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and
The Tuxedo Story
Fond Memories and Fewer Sad Days My birth dad passed away this year. I did not meet him until I was in my 30’s. This is the story my daughter was told. Malena’s Grandfather had just passed away. Malena had
My Prank on my Wife
Let me tell you about a happy memory I will never forget. I was telling this story to my daughter Malena; There was a time before you were born. Your Mom was sad because she had just found out, her