funny jokes shared in Oak Hollow Park San Antonio Archives - Oak Hollow Park

Is there a problem Officer

Les — Thu, 29 Aug 2024 01:44:49 +0000

One bright afternoon, an elderly woman named Helen was leisurely driving down the highway when she noticed flashing lights in her rearview mirror. Without a hint of worry, she calmly pulled over, and a young police officer approached her car.

Officer: “Ma’am, do you know why I stopped you?”

Helen: “Is there a problem, Officer?”

Officer: “Yes, ma’am. You were speeding.”

Helen: “Ah, I see.”

Officer: “May I see your driver’s license, please?”

Helen: “I’d show you, but I don’t have one.”

Officer: “You don’t have one?”

Helen: “Nope. Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.”

The officer blinked, surprised, but kept going.

Officer: “Can I see your vehicle registration papers?”

Helen: “I can’t do that.”

Officer: “Why not?”

Helen: “Because I stole this car.”

The officer’s eyes widened in shock.

Officer: “You… stole it?”

Helen: “Yes, and I killed the owner. His body parts are in the trunk if you want to check.”

The officer’s face drained of color. He backed away from the car slowly and called for backup. Within minutes, the car was surrounded by police, and a senior officer, hand resting on his holstered gun, cautiously approached Helen.

Officer 2: “Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.”

Helen complied, stepping out with a gentle smile.

Helen: “Is there an issue, Officer?”

Officer 2: “One of my officers said you stole this car and killed the owner.”

Helen: “Killed the owner? Goodness, no! Feel free to check the trunk if you’re worried.”

The senior officer, still on edge, motioned for her to open the trunk. Helen did so, revealing nothing but an empty space where her groceries usually went.

Officer 2: “Is this your car, ma’am?”

Helen: “Yes, sir. Here are the registration papers.”

The officer looked them over, growing more confused with each passing second.

Officer 2: “My officer also said you don’t have a driver’s license.”

With a knowing smile, Helen reached into her handbag and pulled out her license, handing it over.

The officer stared at it, then back at her, utterly baffled.

Officer 2: “Everything checks out. I’m sorry, ma’am, but my officer reported that you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and even that you killed the owner.”

Helen: (chuckling) “I bet that liar also told you I was speeding!”

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Game Warden in Hot Pursuit

Les — Wed, 07 Aug 2024 00:19:23 +0000

One day, two hunters were coming out of the woods after a morning hunt when they saw a game warden coming right at them.

One of the hunters takes off running as the game warden is in hot pursuit.

The game warden chases him over a ridge, up a hollow and into a cornfield and finally catches up to him.

The hunter calmly stops, opens his wallet and proceeds to hand the game warden his hunting license.

The confused game warden suspiciously asks, “if you have your hunting license, why did you take off running.”

The sly old hunter quickly replies, “I have mine, but my buddy doesn’t have his.”

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2 Men at the Bus Stop talking

Les — Tue, 06 Aug 2024 21:53:29 +0000

See if you can keep up with this one …

One guy kept complaining about his family problems.

Finally, the other man said, “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation…

A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married.

Later, my dad married my stepdaughter.

That made my stepdaughter my stepmother, and my dad became my stepson-in-law.

Also, my wife became the mother-in-law to her own father-in-law.

Then, my wife’s daughter—now my stepmother—had a son.

This boy was my half-brother because he was my dad’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson.

That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

But it didn’t end there.

My wife and I later had a son.

Now, the half-sister of my son—my stepmother—is also his grandmother.

My dad is the brother-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife!”

“And you think you have family problems?”

The other guy collapsed to the ground yelling, you win, you win!

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Going 22

Les — Tue, 06 Aug 2024 21:03:03 +0000

One day a state trooper while patrolling the roads spotted a vehicle on a country road going only twenty-two miles an hour. It looked quite suspicious to him so he pulled the driver over. When the state trooper was approaching the car, he noticed that the passengers inside looked frightened and pale.

As he stood next to the car the male driver started talking, “Officer, I don’t understand why you pulled me over, I was doing exactly the speed limit! So I don’t understand what seems to be your problem?”

‘Sir”, the officer replied, “indeed you weren’t speeding, but you were driving much slower than the speed limit and that can also be very dangerous.”

“I’m sorry officer but I beg to differ, I was doing exactly the speed limit as stated on the sign: twenty-two miles an hour!” the driver said.

The trooper was a bit surprised but started explaining that the “22” on the sign was the route number and not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the driver grinned a bit and thanked the state trooper for pointing out his mistake.

But before the state trooper was about to let the driver go he said; “But before I let you go, sir, I really have to ask whether everyone in this car is feeling all right?” “Because your passengers seem awfully pale and shaken.”

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute,” the driver said.

“We just got off Route 119“

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You Could Have

Les — Mon, 05 Aug 2024 02:33:10 +0000

A woman decided to treat herself to a luxurious stay at a nice hotel for her 70th birthday.

The next morning, when she checked out, the desk clerk presented her with a bill for $250.00.

She was taken aback and asked why the charge was so high, saying, “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay—I didn’t even have breakfast!”

The clerk explained that the $250.00 was the ‘standard rate’ and included breakfast if she had wanted it.

Dissatisfied, she requested to speak with the Manager.

The Manager, who had been informed of the situation, calmly explained, “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a large conference center available for guests.”

“But I didn’t use them,” she retorted.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” he replied. He continued to list the amenities, including the in-hotel shows featuring top entertainers from around the world.

Each time, the woman responded with, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager would simply say, “Well, we have them, and you could have.”

After a lengthy discussion with the Manager standing firm, the woman decided to settle the bill.

She wrote a check and handed it to him. The Manager, upon looking at the check, was surprised.

“But Madam, this check is only for $50.00,” he said.

“That’s right,” she replied, “I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me.”

“But I didn’t!” he exclaimed.

“Well, too bad, I was here, but you could have,” she retorted.

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You know you’re getting old when

Les — Fri, 02 Aug 2024 23:24:41 +0000

Remember when we use to laugh at the commercial “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up?”

Yeah, it’s not so funny anymore… here’s some more … you might relate to some of them, I do.

You know you’re getting old when:

1- You know more doctors than neighbors.

2- You run into your neighbors at the pharmacy more often than you see them in the neighborhood.

3- The business offers you a senior discount even when you didn’t ask for one.

4- You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.

5- You turn down the radio in the car to look for the number of the house you are visiting.

6- Your back goes out but you stay home.

7- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

8- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

9- Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.

10- It takes twice as long – to look half as good.

11- Your “get up and go!” has “gotten up and gone!”

12- You approach curbs and steps with respect, so you don’t fall and kiss the concrete (again).

13- When the candles cost more than the cake.

14- Your knees buckle but your belt won’t.

15- It feels like the morning after … but there was no night before.

Just remember getting older is better than the alternative

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The Preacher Lies

Les — Fri, 27 Jan 2023 14:34:47 +0000

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters.

I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

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Where Did You Get That Truck

Les — Tue, 10 Jan 2023 16:12:46 +0000

A 16-year-old boy came home with a new Truck. And his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did this truck come from?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today”.

With what money? His parents asked. They knew what a Ford – 150 truck should cost.

“Well,” the boy said, this one only cost me twenty dollars.”

So the parents began to yell even louder!

“I was mowing Mrs. Ellen’s yard and when I got done, I went to collect my $20, when she asked if I wanted the Truck instead of the $20.

I loaded up my lawnmower in the back and that’s what happened.”

“Oh, my goodness!” moaned his mother. “Nobody would sell a new truck for $20!”

“John, you go to her house and find out what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street where Mrs. Ellen lived. And he found her working in her garden.

John introduced himself as the father of the boy and he asked if she sold a truck to his son for $20?

And he wanted to know why she did it.

“Well, Mrs. Ellen said, “I got a call from my husband this morning. I thought he was on a business trip but learned from a friend that he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress. And really doesn’t intend to come back.

He claimed he was stranded and needed cash. And asked me to sell his truck and send him the money. So I did.”

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Naughty Little Boy

Les — Mon, 09 Jan 2023 16:15:57 +0000

A lawyer is trying to call his clients.

The phone rings and the little boy whispers, “Hello.”

Lawyer: “Is your mommy there?”

Boy: (whispers) “Yes.”

Lawyer: “Can I speak to her?”

Boy: (whispers) “She’s very busy.”

Lawyer: “Is your daddy there?”

Boy: (whispers) “Yes.”

Lawyer: “Can I speak with him?”

Boy: (whispers) “He’s busy.”

Lawyer: “Is there anyone else there?”

Boy: (whispers) “Firefighters.”

Lawyer: “Can I talk to one of them?’

Boy: (whispers) They’re busy.

Lawyer: “Is there anyone else?”

Boy: (whispers) “Police officers.”

Lawyer: “Well, can I talk to one of THEM?”

Boy: (whispers) “They’re busy.”

Lawyer: “Let me make it clear, your mom, dad, firefighters and police are all in your house and they are all busy.

What are they doing?”

Boy: (whispers) “They’re looking for me.”

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Little Girl Starts Talking to a Construction Crew

Les — Thu, 05 Jan 2023 20:13:18 +0000

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew showed up to start building a house in the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of her day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took the money home to her mother, who suggested that she take the ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**kin’ sheet rock…”

Kids say the darndest things, don’t they?

Just be aware that kids repeat everything they hear.

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