Watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire
My wife and I were watching “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” in bed when I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have some fun tonight?”
“No,” she replied.
“Is that your final answer?” I asked.
She just sighed and said, “Yes.”
So, I quipped, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started.
—
High School Reunion
At my wife’s high school reunion, she kept glancing at a man at the bar, drinking alone.
“Do you know him?” I asked.
She sighed, “Yes, he’s my old boyfriend. I heard he started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since.”
I said, “Wow, who knew someone could keep celebrating for that long!”
And then the fight started.
—
The Lawnmower
When our lawn mower broke, my wife kept dropping hints to get it fixed. But I always had more important things to do.
Finally, when I came home one day, she was sitting in the tall grass, trimming it with tiny scissors. I watched her for a moment, then went inside and came back out with a toothbrush.
I handed it to her and said, “When you finish, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
And that’s when the fight started…
—
Dust on the TV
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I replied, “Dust.”
And that’s when the fight started…
—
Fishing Trip
I got up early on a Saturday, quietly got dressed, made my lunch, and headed to the garage to hook up the boat. But it was pouring rain, and the wind was howling. So, I came back inside, slipped into bed, snuggled up to my wife, and whispered, “The weather’s terrible outside.”
She replied, “Can you believe my husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started.
—
Anniversary Surprise
For our anniversary, my wife hinted she wanted something shiny that could go from 0 to 150 in under five seconds.
So, I got her a bathroom scale.
And that’s when the fight started…
—
Social Security
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office. The woman at the desk asked for my ID, but I’d left my wallet at home. So, I unbuttoned my shirt to reveal my silver chest hair.
“That’s enough proof for me,” she said.
When I got home, I told my wife about it.
She said, “You should’ve dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability benefits too.”
And that’s when the fight started.
—
Compliment, Please
My wife was standing in front of the mirror, looking herself over. “I feel awful,” she said. “I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment.”
I replied, “Well, your eyesight’s pretty spot-on.”
And that’s when the fight started…
—
Mother-in-Law’s Gift
One year, I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, when I didn’t get her anything, she asked why.
I replied, “Well, you haven’t used the gift I gave you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started.
—
Humor like this never gets old … if it’s someone else’s problem.