Funny Jokes Page

He had to make one of the hardest or perhaps the easiest decisions in his life A neighbor shared this story with me. I wonder what choice you would have made. His girlfriend that gave him an ultimatum, get rid

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the window. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, “Hi, my name is

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went to browse inside an antique store. I was only in there for about ten minutes

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a really beautiful horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse. The poor man replied,

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road

A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year. Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, “I don’t want to pay for it.” But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son’s

In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature  bothered me. The three wise men were wearing fireman’s helmets.  I couldn’t figure out why, so

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of the of the older workmen. After several minutes, one older worker

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s playing golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that

Love my blonde friends, but I thought this was funny enough to share:  She was lost. She felt unsafe to continue driving  but she didn’t panic. She remembered what her dad had once told her, “If you ever get stuck

An old Farmer in Idaho writes to his son who is in prison: “Dear Son, this year I won’t be able to plant potatoes because I can’t dig the field myself, I know if you was here, you would have

An older man was sitting in a private box by himself at Cowboy’s Stadium with an empty seat next to him: A young man saw the empty seat and said to the older man. “Who on earth paid for these

A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the many posters showing glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had been having a pretty good

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realizing he sent the email message to a

A 72 year old man goes in for a physical examination. All his tests came back normal so the doctor says, “Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God? Harry replies,

A little girl told her parents The family was at the dining table. The little 10-year-old girl wasn’t eating and had her head bowed down with nose in her plate. After a few moments, she said, “I’ve got something to

At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He could not control his curiosity and asked, “Do you always carry your TV remote with you?” She replied ” No,

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone I did not know. When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass. Then

A couple moved into an older neighborhood. They had a washing machine, but no inside clothes dryer. The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the woman saw her neighbor hanging her washing outside. “That laundry is not very clean,”

A married couple never fought, not even once in 25 years of marriage. A friend of the couple asked, “How is it that even possible?” The husband replied, “Well , we went to a Ranch for our honeymoon. While horseback

I know I should not have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me  leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him entering the checkout line. She turned to him and said,

A woman has a problem with her wardrobe closet in the bedroom. Every time a bus passes the house, a door of the wardrobe closet would fall off. She called a repairman to try to fix the problem. The repairman

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus, so she asks her class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven..” Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”

Annie, 6 years old gets home from school. She had her first family planning lesson at school. Her mother, very interested, asks; “How did it go?” “I nearly died from shame!” She answers. “Why?” Her Mother asked. Annie said, “Kate

A blond woman visited with her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He is exhausted!” The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps

My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. And from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but nobody listened to him. He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned

A guy took his girlfriend to her first American football game. They had great seats near their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “Especially the tight

One day, two guys Frank and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they’re fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and waves. He does this until the funeral service passes by. Frank then said,

Return to Funny Page

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with a “Heart of the Ocean necklace, diamond earrings, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.” “But you are not wearing any of

A Christian guy named Bill saw an ad posted online about a Christian horse. So, he went to check it out. The horse’s owner said, “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘Praise the Lord!’ to make him go and

Lauren was lying in bed one night when she felt her husband’s hand caressing her neck. Then his hand slid down her side, stopping at her knee, which is as far as her he could reach. Then he moved closer

A man calls Pizza Hut to order a pizza. Caller: Is this Pizza Hut? Google: No sir, it’s Google Pizza. Caller: I must have called the wrong number, sorry. Google: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month. Caller: Ok,

An atheist was seated next to a older cowboy on an airplane and he turned to the cowboy and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The old

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting home bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She

Little Johnny’s mother stops to watch her son read the Bible to their cat. “isn’t that sweet?” she says. But a hour later, she hears a terrible racket. Running out the door , she finds Johnny stuffing the cat into

An elderly lady was telling her friend that she had recently joined an aerobics class for seniors at the local fitness center. “How did it go?” asked the friend. “Well, I bent, I twisted, I turned, I jumped up and

One weekend Joe was enticed to go skiing with an old acquaintance, Bob. They loaded up Bob’s truck and headed into the mountains. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard as they approached the

Oh, he can … An elderly gentleman who had had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100 percent. The elderly gentleman

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way? she demands. “What does hair color

Whack! Right in the head with a frying pan! “What’s that for?” the husband shouts. “That, his wife says, “was for the piece of paper I found – with the name Laurie Sue on it.” “But, dear,” he says, “that

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found an elderly man already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet – who insisted he didn’t need

Just outside the San Antonio city limits, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.  One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began

Bill Taylor, a University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and during a storm. It was getting darker and no cars were driving by. The storm was so strong he could

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast. One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The

In an all-girls high school, there was a clever janitor. One day, he was quietly doing one of his jobs, cleaning the bathroom, when he noticed a bunch of kiss marks on the mirrors. He got angry at the sight

A 12 year old boy and his father are new to the Western World and entered a mall for the first time. The boy was amazed by everything he saw, but especially by 2 silver doors that move apart and then

An older, tired looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few

When the Pilot shouted “OMG” on the intercom After a Delta Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain welcome to flight 293 non-stop from Los Angeles to Dallas, the weather

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man

He was looking for a parking space He sees a spot near the front of the store, but another car is waiting to pull into it. The young teen decides he will pull into it first since he has a

Email to Husband To my darling husband, I just wanted to let you know before you return from your overseas trip I had a small accident with the truck in the garage when I was coming back from Target. Luckily

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Granddaughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker. I was feeling

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a car when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding

“Omg…. The neighbors have been complaining that my dog barks non-stop” I hate the idea of an electric zapping bark collar for my dog, so I decided to purchase a “humane citronella collar”. When a dog barks, it shoots a

Then this Happened! Not too long ago, there was a woman who felt that her husband was being distant and unloving. She wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.

A woman went to her doctor’s office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So, he says, “Do you know me?” To which she

Sometimes I lose my wife when we are shopping together. She wanders off … But I know (after so many years) how to find her. When I don’t see my wife, I search for the most beautiful woman that I

Two very elderly women were sitting side-by-side on a couch when one said to the other, “We are getting so old that all our friends in Heaven are going to think we didn’t make it.”

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says, “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a

I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. “This is the 21st century,” she said. “I don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.” I can tell you this. That mosquito

This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida: An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her

She notices her husband is not in bed She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears

An old man was grocery shopping with his grandson. The toddler was crying, and at times, screaming at the top of his lungs. As the old gentleman walked up and down the aisles, people could hear him speaking in a

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in

Barbequing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. Here is the sequence leading up to the big production: The wife goes to the store and buys everything. The wife makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. The

From personals: Single White Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a svelte good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, and cozy winter nights

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition,

Our 25-year-old son moved back home with an eye toward socking away a “down payment” to buy a condo. We never bothered asking how long he’d planned to stay. But I got a pretty good idea when I walked into

I’m not the easiest guy in the world to get along with So, when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 27 years. I ordered flowers and

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought a boat anyway. “I’ll tell you what,” he told her. “In the spirit of compromise, why don’t you name the boat?” Being a good sport,

Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason. “My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her,” I told the CO. Much to my surprise, he said “Permission

He arrived at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

Some local teenagers had set fire to a farmer’s haystack which then spread to his barn. While the farmer surveyed the wreckage, his wife ‘phoned their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $60,000  the amount of

After a lengthy quarrel, Mandy said to her husband, Dave, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ Dave replied quickly, ‘Yes, Mandy, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.’

One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day.

This Is What the Wife Did There was a man who worked all his life and saved all his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about everything, and

The overwhelmed housewife grabbed the phone when it rang. The kindly voice asked, “How are you doing darling?” “What kind of day are you having?” “Oh, mother, “said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, “I’ve had such a bad day.

What She Does is Genius A woman and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asked if she would like to play a fun game. The woman, tired, just wanted

A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said, “Rest in Peace”. The owner was angry and confronted the florist

There was a little “incident” at your house today while you were gone Please allow me to explain, I was watching T.V. and I heard this beeping going off in the kitchen. The first thing I thought of was the

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display. “I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied. ” The good news is that a

A blonde lady decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the top of the table, with a large tray of apples. A nun put a sign above the apple tray: “Take only one. God

My teenage daughter just spent the last 6 weeks on vacation in California. My daughter asked my 5 year old grandson if he knew where he lived. He promptly recited his home address. My daughter told him, we can get

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhausted lab tests, she said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking her “Do you think I’ll

Story told by the Teacher I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best “birth” story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. 

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on the bench rang and a man answered it and put the speaker. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen. Man: “Hello!” Woman: “Hi honey,

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know

This is the Principal’s Response A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was and he replied, “I’m too smart for the first grade, my sister is in

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his Dad if he could start using the family car. The Dad said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. “Well, then, here are the

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During the meal, his mother could not help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get eight.” A short time later, the husband returns with eight cartons of milk. “Why did you

If you are 40, or older, you Might think this is hilarious! If you are a teenager, maybe not so much. When I was a kid, adults use to bore me to tears with their tales about how hard things

About George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed.  George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.”  The old farmer said, “OK, but don’t go in that

You don’t have to own a cat to appreciate this one! We were packed and ready to go out for our Spring Break vacation. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.  When he finally appeared at home on

A child asked her mother “How were people born?” So, her mother said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”  The child then went to her father, asked him the same question

A young man went to visit his 70 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of Arkansas. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and

A few weeks? after the death of my father-in-law, I found my seven-year-old son crying. His grandmother had died the previous year, and he was taking it all very hard. “You know, Kyle,” I said, “when we die, we’ll get

Captain, There’s a Blonde Haired Problem in 1st-Class! A beautiful young model boarded a plane to California with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”  Not

A mobster discovers his deaf accountant has cheated him out of ten million bucks. He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. “Ask him where the money is,” the mobster says.  The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, “What

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old? Well, You’ll love this one! My name is Alice and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment

She wanted to be six again A man asked his wife what she’d like for her 40th birthday. “I’d love to be six again,” she replied.  On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and

Fond Memories and Fewer Sad Days My birth dad passed away this year. I did not meet him until I was in my 30’s. This is the story my daughter was told.  Malena’s Grandfather had just passed away. Malena had

Let me tell you about a happy memory I will never forget. I was telling this story to my daughter Malena; There was a time before you were born. Your Mom was sad because she had just found out, her