A man calls Pizza Hut to order a pizza.
Caller: Is this Pizza Hut?
Google: No sir, it’s Google Pizza.
Caller: I must have called the wrong number, sorry.
Google: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
Caller: Ok, I would like to order a pizza.
Google: Do you want your usual, sir?
Caller: My usual? You know me?
Google: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, and meatballs on a thick crust.
Caller: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
Google: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes, and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
Caller: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
Google: Your cholesterol is not good sir.
Caller: How do you know that?
Google: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Caller: Okay, but I don’t want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
Google: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyd’s Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
Caller: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
Google: That does not show on your credit card statement.
Caller: I paid in cash.
Google: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
Caller: What the f*@k !
Google: I’m sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
Caller: Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, and all the others. I’m going to an island without the internet, or TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me and spy on me.
Google: I understand sir, but you will need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…