The coin toss
By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. “Why are you so late?” asked his friend. “I couldn’t decide between going to church and going to the football game. So, I tossed a coin,” said Bobby. “But that shouldn’t have taken too long.” said the friend. “Well, I had to toss it 35 times.”
My dad is better than your dad
Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads. One said. “My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song and they pay him $50.” “Oh, yeah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem and they pay him $100.” “That’s nothing,” said the third kid. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon and it takes six people to collect all the money in the room!”
Adam’s Ribs
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’
Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
Directions
On the Sunday before Christmas, a reverend was walking down a street on his way to see a parishioner. However, he wanted to post a parcel urgently so he asked a young boy where he could find the post office. When the boy had directed him, the reverend thanked him and said, ‘If you’ll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.
The boy replied, ‘I think I’ll give your sermon a miss. If you don’t even know your way to the post office, how will you lead me to heaven?
The new suit
This year for our pastor’s birthday, the congregation decided to give him a new suit.
He was so touched by the gift that the following Sunday he stood before everyone and, with tears in his eyes, announced, “Today I will be preaching to you in my birthday suit.”
When I grow up.
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister When I grow up.”
“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”
The building fund
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”
Coffee
A married couple were arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee and the husband asked her where it said that. The wife opened the Bible and said: “Right here in HEBREWS!”
Golf during church
The Pastor woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So…. he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to preach for him that day. As soon as the associate pastor left the room, the Pastor headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from heaven and exclaimed,
“You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?” The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then he hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 435 yard Hole in One!
Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”
Adam’s counter offer
God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, “Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg.”
Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, “What could I get for a rib?”
Preachers’ new mower
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him.
The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, “What’s wrong?”
The reply came, “I can’t get this mower started. Do you know how?”
The kid said, “Yep.”
“Well, how do you do it? Tell me!”, the preacher yelled.
The kid replied, “You have to cuss at it.”
The preacher rose up indignantly. “Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I’ve forgotten how to do it after all these years.”
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, “Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it’ll all come back to ya.”