For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Please know that judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Matt, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Matt: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI #1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…
Judge #1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Matt) –Wow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2 – AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1 — Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great! kick.
Judge #2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 — Call the EPA. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. I’m getting hammered from all of the beer.
CHILI #4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge #1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much chili.
Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
CHILI #5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 — My ears are ringing; sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
CHILI #6 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me.
CHILI #8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its’ existence.
Judge #2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Judge #3 — No Report turned in because Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Paramedics took the poor feller away.
Moral, only native Texans should be allowed to judge Texas chili cookoff contests.